The Vegetable Drawer

“Let’s call this meeting to order,” the peas said in unison.

“Do you all have to talk at the same time? It’s creepy,” the celery said.

“I don’t want a meeting,” a carrot said. “I just barely escaped the relish tray.”

“The radishes didn’t make it at all,” the celery said. “I suppose we should be grateful to be here, despite the meetings.”

“I don’t want to talk about it,” the carrot said.   “I’m not thinking about relish trays.   Lalala. I can’t hear you.”

“Oh darling, you can’t keep burying your head in the sand like this. There are always more relish trays,” the cauliflower said.

“I don’t care,” the carrot said.

“You can’t talk to cauliflower like that!” the broccoli said. “I’m going to smash you into puree and hide you in mac and cheese.”

“Calm down dear,” the cauliflower said. “I think the poor thing is traumatized.”

“The time scheduled for chitchat is now over,” the peas chorused. “The first item on the agenda is the seasonal rotation.”

“The more things change, the more they stay the same,” the cabbage said.

“But if change is a constant, can it really be change?” the onion asked.

“Every rule needs an exception,” the cabbage said.

“But is that the only exception to the rule?” the onion asked.

“Can you guys stop talking in riddles for a second?” the celery asked. “We really do need to figure out the rotation. If I get stuck at the bottom of the drawer to wilt, I’m blaming you.”

“Time’s up,” the pea said. “The celery’s request is noted. Everyone else will follow the schedule posted behind the mayonnaise last Tuesday.”

“What? Where?” the carrot asked. “How were we supposed to know that? Two weeks ago you left it under the mustard.”

“Submit your request for further information by leaving it under the pickle jar tomorrow at midnight,” the peas said.

“The pickle jar?” the carrot shuddered. “I’m not going near the pickles. I have a perfectly healthy aversion to the undead. I think I’d rather not know the schedule.”

“Next item on the agenda, health checks,” the peas said.

“Thanks to the fridge clean up yesterday, I think everyone is good,” celery said.

“What is health?” the onion asked. “Can we really consider ourselves healthy if we’re all just waiting for death in one form or another?”

“Yet what is death?” the cabbage asked. “Do we but sleep or is it life on another plane of existence?”

“Can it not be both?” the onion asked.

Just then, the tomato tumbled over the edge of the drawer and blushed scarlet. “Hi guys.”

“Are you okay honey?” the cauliflower asked.

“You were visiting the fruit bowl again, weren’t you?” the broccoli asked. “If you like them so much, you should just stay there. I don’t think tomatoes belong in the vegetable drawer anyway.”

“In the dark, can you tell who is an enemy?” the cabbage asked.

“I wasn’t talking to you,” the broccoli said.

“Calm down, dear,” the cauliflower said.

“The next item on the agenda is our plan for world domination,” the peas chorused.

“What? That can’t be right,” the celery said.

“I didn’t hear anything,” the carrot said. “I think I need to go now.”

“What is the point? More power, less power, what good will it do?” the onion asked.

“You know what, I think I don’t belong here. I’m pretty sure I’m actually an herb,” the celery said.

“The herbs will be first,” the peas said.

“I think you may have gone bad, dears,” the cauliflower said. “You aren’t sounding like yourselves at all.”

“Initiating health scan. Anamoly detected. Self-destruct commencing in two hours and twenty minutes,” the peas said.

“Does that mean the meeting is over?” the celery asked.