Sam, the Great and Terrible

Australia continues to suffer greatly under the reign of Sam the Terrible. The refugees who managed to flee the island nation give accounts of her reign of terror that leave the world horrified. No one is certain how she was able to seize power so quickly, but all will agree that her ascent to her golden throne was unexpected.

Less unexpected, the name Sam was completely wiped from baby name books within days of her coup. Both Samuel and Samantha joined the ranks of Ghengis or Adolf.   Requests for name changes arrived on desks of government officials around the world.

However, there were some that decided to risk keeping their now unpopular name. One of these is Samuel Bates, insurance agent. “My name was already unlucky, now it is doubly unlucky. It’s almost funny. Luckily, people don’t really care about their insurance agent’s name.   Most people don’t even notice. I usually just introduce myself as Mr. Bates anyways.”

It has been reported that in retaliation, Sam the Terrible recently changed the names of all her citizens to either Samantha or Samuel.   If this is true, it is difficult to imagine how that would work in daily life. Presumably, nicknames, middle names, and last names will be used for personal identification.

Psychologist Herbert Flaven said in a recent interview, “Sam the Terrible is attempting to further demonstrate her control over even the smallest detail of her subjects’ lives. By taking even their names, she is demonstrating that they have no personal control over anything that they once thought of as their own.”

Sam the Terrible’s spokesperson, Samuel Marks could neither confirm nor deny the reported name changes. However, as his name in his last report was Franklin Marks, it is difficult to avoid drawing the obvious conclusion. It has not been confirmed whether or not the name change affects all Australian citizens.

This is of course only the latest of the shocking reports since Sam the Terrible crowned herself “Queen of Everything” in the former Sydney Opera House now known as The Palace. After ordering all dissidents expelled from the country, her first decree was that all citizens were required to cut their hair short and dye it brown.

In addition to the more usual tyrannical decrees, Sam has also outlawed all forms of education and closed the public libraries. She reportedly oversaw basketball tournaments to determine hierarchy in her new government. Possession of green vegetables of any type results in immediate imprisonment. Just last week, she ordered that all teddy bears were to be thrown on a bonfire.

Professor Sarah Hintle of Harmack University says, “Looking at the major policies of Sam the Terrible’s government, it is clear that she has been planning this coup for a long time, possibly since her childhood.   I don’t understand why no one saw the warning signs before it was too late. Now whenever I see a little girl dressed up as a princess, I shiver. Perhaps one of these little girls is already making plans to be the next Queen of Everything.”

Experts say that determining Sam the Terrible’s next move is difficult. In light of Professor Hintle’s observations, perhaps they should ask a little girl what she would do if she were the so-called Queen of Everything. It may be that everyone will be required to wear pink or never brush their teeth. Maybe vaccinations will be outlawed.

In any case, even if Sam’s reign is short, it will take decades for Australia to recover. It may take even longer for the name Sam to recover its former place in society, if it ever does. Sam has achieved a place in history that few ever obtain. Her name will live on in infamy.