A Thoroughly Modern Snowman

It all began when a man went stumbling by the snowman late at night and dropped his phone. The snowman was so curious. He’d been watching the world go by and seen how attached all the people were to the little devices. His curiosity had grown for three days, and now there was a phone sitting so close he could nearly touch it.

No one was looking. All he had to do is figure out how to move. For three hours he willed himself to bend over and move his twiggy arms.   A shooting star raced silently across the sky. Then another. He bent over and picked up the phone.

It had taken some work, but by the time it was light out again, he’d hopped off to a wooded area where he could figure out the phone in peace. He was delighted with what he’d found. Well, most of what he’d found. Who knew winter was so short?

Fortunately, he’d managed to stay calm. After a little research, he’d been happy to discover cryogenics. Unfortunately, such things cost money. After a little more research, he started a gofundme account.

Unfortunately, phones had a limited life. This phone would need to be charged soon, and its owner would probably disable the account at some point. This required some strategy. He erased his history and at nightfall returned to his post, leaving the phone on the ground nearby.

He watched the humans go by, looking at the brightly lit phones jealously. Surely there must be a way to get one into his cold little branches? Libraries had access to the internet, but humans were alarmed by beings that seemed different. It seemed a disguise was in order.

Luckily, this time of year, people were heavily bundled up. Not only would this disguise him, but it could also serve as insulation against the warm building.   He wouldn’t have much time.   However, first he’d have to find that disguise.

In the end, it took less work than he expected.   He’d hopped carefully around the local businesses after sundown. It was cold and few people were outdoors. Those that drove by in cars were focused on the road and didn’t notice an oddly placed snowman.

Some bags had been left in the donation area of a local thrift store.   The coat he’d found was in rather terrible shape, but it was quite large and had a hood. There were gloves in the pocket that were torn, but his fingers didn’t really need the insulation.

A few days later, at a quiet time of day, he hopped into the library. The computer area was near the front. He followed the directions posted nearby and logged on. He nearly melted in relief.   His gofundme page had earned just enough money. He wouldn’t die when the snow melted. He quickly arranged a pickup from the cryogenics lab he’d decided on and transferred the funds.

He hopped quickly to the woods and tore off the coat and gloves. He’d been in the library too long, and he’d melted just a little. It hurt.   The internet hadn’t said it would hurt.   Of course, the internet didn’t really have much information on snowmen at all.

He met the cryogenic scientists in front of the hospital, just like they’d requested. They jumped and seemed skeptical when he spoke to them, but in the end he convinced them to honor the contract. Including the nondisclosure agreement. They loaded him onto a refrigerated truck and packed him in ice. It was soothing and rather lovely.

The lab was a little eerie, but he had a metal canister to stand in that was just right temperature-wise. Unfortunately, the room was boring. Few people ever came through. They’d check the little dials and such on all the canisters and move on. He talked their ears off and borrowed their phones when he could and in general made a nuisance of himself.

One of the lab assistants started visiting more often. He seemed to feel sorry for the bored, lonely snowman. He talked to his supervisor, who finally agreed to get the snowman a phone of his own. The snowman paid for his phone by doing advertisements for the lab, pretending to be a computer generated snowman.

He spent a year editing wikipedia and working for snowpeople rights. Unfortunately, humans didn’t take his crusade seriously. On his birthday, he took a walk outside to enjoy the nicely frigid air and think.

He looked down at his wooden hands and looked up at the moon shining brightly in the clear winter sky. Perhaps he hadn’t been dreaming big enough. He needed to take a giant leap for snowkind.

He could live indefinitely. He had several lifetimes to plan. Someday, he would take his people to the moon. They would be safe there and free. He felt filled with energy and determination. A shooting star flew across the night sky. Then another.