A Big Baby

“I’m so glad you’re here, sir,” the major said.

“Tell me what the emergency is,” the general said.

“It’s a giant baby, sir. He somehow made its way down here and is pulling up buildings to play with them like blocks. We’ve had to evacuate the downtown area,” the major reported. “We can see him from this window over here.”

The general walked over to the window and nodded. “The clouds were low-lying this morning. He probably managed to wander off then. I’m surprised his parents haven’t noticed he’s missing yet.”

“So what should we do, sir?” the major asked. “Why don’t we have a system for calling the giants?”

“They keep smashing the phones we give them,” the general said. “They just aren’t used to technology and aren’t very careful with it.”

There was a loud crashing sound. They both turned to look at the baby giant. He was banging two skyscrapers together. Shards of glass sparkled like rain as they flew through the air.

“It’s a good thing giant skin is so thick. Otherwise he’d be all cut up and screaming right now,” the major said. “We’d need ear protection.”

The baby shrieked in delight and picked up a car and pretended to drive it over the smashed buildings. The men winced at he loud noise.   “I see what you mean,” the general said.

“What do you think about sleeping gas, sir?” the major asked. The baby was smashing the car against other buildings and laughing.

“It’s too risky when they’re that young. If anything went wrong, we’d be violating the treaty,” the general said.   “However, I think I have an idea.   Can you get me the sound system we use to broadcast the New Year’s show? I’ll need someone familiar with the equipment as well. Oh, and the baby will probably need a snack soon.”

The major saluted.   “Right away, sir,” he said. He hurried away.

The general went back to watching the baby. He was jumping in the lake at the center of the park. The ground shook. The general looked up at the ceiling. It looked like it would hold.

The baby laid back and took half of the trees in the park with him. He rolled over and tore out another skyscraper. Still laying on his side, he put his left thumb in his mouth and used his the skyscraper he was holding in his right hand to club at the other buildings nearby.

The general sighed and made a phone call. “Mom,” he said. “I need some help.”

The general’s mother arrived as they were setting up the sound system. “Hi, mom,” he said. Then he turned back to the sound technician. “I need it to be nice and loud. As loud as giants.”

“I can do that,” the sound technician said. “Am I supposed to call you sir or something?”

“No, you’re fine.   Thank you for your help,” the general said.

The giant baby had picked up a statue of a horse and was galloping it down Main Street when they finally had everything in place. The general’s mother took the microphone. “I’m ready,” she said. “Turn it on.”

“Young man,” she said. Her voice boomed out through the speakers set up on the roof. The baby paused and looked around. “It’s almost snack time. Clean up, and you can eat your snack and wait for your mom. She’ll be here any minute.”

The baby clapped his hands and started putting things back into the right area. A group of soldiers carried out tubs filled with sliced bread. The baby shrieked and ate quickly. The general’s mother spoke soothingly as he ate, and soon the baby yawned and laid down in the park for his nap.

That’s where his mother found him when she finally realized where he ended up. She was apologetic and insisted on paying for repairs.   They sent her home with yet another phone and looked around at the mess.

“Hopefully she keeps a better eye on him from now on,” the general said with a sigh. “Our city really isn’t baby-proof.”