Category: Weird Science

Scientific Inquiry

Posted on by

Dr. Frederick had a problem to solve. After his walk, when he was hanging up his coat, he glanced in the mirror and saw something puzzling. There was a large wad of bright pink gum stuck in his snowy white hair.

Chewing gum was not a naturally occurring substance. It had to have a human source, but who was the source of the gum? Did he chew the gum himself and spit it out without realizing it? Dr. Frederick decided that this was unlikely. Sometimes he ate things without noticing that he was eating, but none of them ever ended up in his hair. The source of the gum was currently unknown.

Where did he get gum in his hair? He knew that he combed his hair before leaving for the park. He looked in the mirror at the gum. It appeared undisturbed. It had not been combed through, and he always combed his hair most thoroughly. He had been nowhere but the park. The park was the obvious location of the source of the chewing gum.

When did it happen? No one had come close enough to stick gum in his hair while he was walking the paths. It was unlikely that it dropped from a tree, as gum was not naturally occurring, and people seldom discarded trash high in tree branches. It was too heavy and sticky to be carried into the branches or his hair by a strong wind.

Dr. Frederick mentally retraced his steps. Had anything been different about his trip to the park today? The sun had been warm and bright, unusual for this time of year. He remembered sitting on a sun-warmed park bench and closing his eyes for several minutes, enjoying the beautiful day.

Had the source of the chewing gum approached at that moment and stuck gum in his hair? Had he leaned against the bench somehow and unknowingly transferred discarded gum to his hair? He didn’t have enough information.

Without knowing the source of the gum, it wasn’t helpful to try to deduce a motive for attaching it to his hair. He found a notepad on the side table below the mirror and fished a pencil out of the drawer. It was time to write down what he knew. He scribbled rapidly and flipped the page.

What could he do to prevent this happening again in the future? He could avoid the park. He could wear a hat to the park. He could coat his hair with something slippery so that gum wouldn’t stick to it. He could shave off his hair. He could claim the park as his own personal territory and attempt to repel all human intruders.

Dr. Frederick carefully weighed the options, considering the pros and cons. Finally he decided that wearing a hat would be effective and cause the least disruption to his normal routine. He circled “wear a hat” and flipped the page.

Now it was time to get this mess out of his hair. He scraped as much gum out of his hair as he could, and set it aside for further study. There was still gum in his hair. He could cut his hair, but he had already decided he liked having hair when the weather was cold, so he would do his best to keep his hair. He pulled out his phone and started to research. He wrote down his options and then went to test them.

Peanut butter and ice were not as effective as he hoped. Oil and lemon juice and toothpaste were also disappointing. Known options exhausted, it was time to get creative. He picked up the sample of chewing gum and headed to his lab.

An hour later, he held up the results of his efforts. As far as he could tell, this should work. Dr. Frederick used a dropper to dispense the chewing gum remover to the specks of gum still stuck to his hair. The chewing gum dissolved, along with the hair around it.

As Dr. Frederick really wanted to keep his hair, this was not a good chewing gum remover. Unfortunately, he was out of samples of chewing gum. He cleaned up, put on his coat and left to buy some chewing gum.

He chewed a piece of gum on the way home from the store, and once he was back in his lab, he stuck some in his hair. The rest he saved to experiment on. During the next two weeks, locks of his hair turned blue once and bunches of his beard were green twice. Both hair and beard were impossibly oily on several occasions. At one point in time, his hair smelled so bad that he almost reconsidered his decision to keep it.

Finally, one day, he managed to develop the perfect chewing gum remover. Problem solved, he went to the barber for a nice trim to remove the last spots of color and even out the parts that dissolved. The barber had a lot of questions about the condition of his hair.

Enthusiastically, he told the barber about his experiments. The barber was skeptical. “I always heard peanut butter got gum out just fine. If it doesn’t, hair grows back. You can just cut it out.”

Dr. Frederick wasn’t discouraged. This wasn’t the first time that a scientific breakthrough was belittled. Instead, he applied for a patent and marketed his invention to companies that sold hair products. It didn’t take long to find a buyer.

He earned enough money in the sale to buy many hats, which he continued to wear to the park even after his hair grew back. After all, the source of the gum was still at large. It was prudent to be cautious, even with the invention of the chewing gum remover. There are many more substances that could be stuck to hair, or the mysterious gum chewer might give up on sticky substances and decide to come to the park armed with scissors. Prevention took less time than developing a cure, and was much easier on his hair.

Calling In an Expert

Posted on by

“And you’re sure you’re a real landscaper?” the man asked, scratching his bearded chin.

“Yes, I studied landscape design in college,” Martin said. “Didn’t you read my bio on my website, Mr….”

“Jacobs.” The man straightened up. “I looked all through your website, but there wasn’t a picture. And you look so normal.”

Martin just managed to avoid rolling his eyes. “What did you expect a landscape designer to look like?”

Mr. Jacobs waved his hand around vaguely. “Oh, you know, magical. Maybe with a staff and a long white beard. Like Merlin, you know?

“Well, I think most people who spend a lot of time working with plants like to keep their hair out of the way. Long beards tend to get caught on things.”

Mr. Jacobs nodded seriously. “That makes sense.”

Martin coughed to muffle a laugh. “So. What would you like help with?”

“Your website said that you design rock gardens?” Mr. Jacobs looked at Martin and waited.

Martin nodded. “I have designed several very lovely rock gardens. Do you have anything in mind?”

Mr. Jacobs grinned and pulled a tattered piece of lined paper out of his pocket. It was covered in smeared pencil smudges and illegible scrawls. “I wrote it all down here.” He held up the paper.

It was a mess. Martin leaned forward and squinted. He could maybe decipher a few letters, but that wasn’t very helpful. “Why don’t you read it to me?” he asked.

Mr. Jacobs turned the smudgy paper around. “I’d like to plant the marble around the outside of the yard like a hedge.” His finger traced a circle on the paper. “Have you got the Italian kind?

“Italian what?”

“Marble. I’ve heard that it’s better. But if it doesn’t grow well here, I’ll take whatever kind works best.” Mr. Jacobs drew his finger across the top of the page. “I’d like some beds of pumice in the back. I think something light would really open the space up. But you’re the expert.”

“It’s good that you’ve picked out the rocks you’d like in your garden. Have you thought about what plants you want to have grow around them?” Martin asked. “You said there was an Italian plant you wanted? I don’t think I caught the name.”

Mr. Jacobs looked confused. “I just want whatever plants grow the rocks. You know, like whatever grows marble or amber or obsidian or pumice. I was thinking I could harvest and sell the rocks if I need to.”

“Rocks don’t grow on plants,” Martin said. “People dig them up out of the ground or find them laying around.”

“Well, yeah, that’s what normal people do. That’s why I need your help. You create rock gardens.” Mr. Jacobs waved his hand around like he was holding a wand. “As long as you get it started, I think I can keep it going.”

Martin couldn’t tell if Mr. Jacobs was joking. “I use rocks as a garden feature. I design where the plants and rocks go in the garden to highlight the contrast between the delicate plants and stronger, more permanent rocks. I don’t grow rocks.”

“Then you’re not a real landscaper.” Mr. Jacobs looked disappointed.

“Yes, I am. I design landscaping. I went to college for years to study this. I have my diploma framed and hanging on my wall at home. I am a real landscaper.” Martin suddenly realized he was starting to yell. He cut himself off and folded his arms, feeling his face grow hot in embarrassment. “I am a real landscaper,” he repeated in a quieter voice.

Mr. Jacobs held up his hands in a calming gesture. “I’m sure you are. Just like magicians can do magic tricks that make it seem like they have magic. But they don’t really. They aren’t real wizards. You put out rocks to make it look like you grew them. I get that. I’m sure it looks lovely. But I want a real rock garden. Do you know anyone who does real landscaping and not just landscaping tricks? You know, an expert landscaper?”

Martin shook his head. “I’m sorry, Mr. Jacobs. I’ve never heard of rocks growing on trees. I’m not saying it can’t happen, but I’ve never heard of it, so I really can’t help you.”

“All right then. Sorry to bother you. Thanks for your time,” Mr. Jacobs said.

They shook hands and Martin drove off, thinking that was the end of it. Six months later, Martin was in the same neighborhood on a job and remembered Mr. Jacobs. On a whim, he drove by. The yard was surrounded by a large marble wall that had an irregular, organic texture. He could see a few trees with amber-colored leaves that glowed in the sunlight peeking above the wall .

Martin parked by the curb and knocked on the door. No one answered. He left his business card with a note to call him wedged in the screen door. Mr. Jacobs never called, and Martin still wonders about his rock garden. Did he find an expert landscaper after all? The kind that could grow real rock gardens?

The Ghost Panel at the Monster Convention

Posted on by

A full moon shone high overhead. The monster convention was well underway. Vendors sat behind their tables, and lines at the food court remained steady. At the other side of the convention center, the next set of classes and presentations were starting to fill up.

One of the rooms might have appeared empty to any passing human. But, as humans were the one monster not welcome at the convention, everyone could see that most of the seats had been taken by ghosts of various types. It was almost time for the panel discussion on Haunting and Modern Technology.

Soon enough, the room was full and the doors were closed. If a few latecomers quietly phased though the closed doors and floated at the back of the room, no one said anything. The moderator wailed mournfully and rattled some chains. It was time for the discussion to begin. Read More

Going Pizza Picking

Posted on by

Neil looked under the kitchen sink and found a stack of plastic ice cream pails. “I found them,” he called over his shoulder.

“Well, what are you waiting for?” Jim demanded. “Get them out and pass them around. The berries are waiting.”

Neil grabbed the buckets and stood up. Lynn and Jim were each holding a hand out expectantly. He handed them each a pail. Another hand reached out from behind them and they both jumped. Grandpa grinned. “Where’s my bucket?” he asked.

Neil handed him a pail. “Are you coming to pick berries, too?”

“Just berries?” Grandpa asked.

Lynn nodded. “That’s what’s in season. Later in the year, maybe we’ll pick corn or peaches or apples or pumpkins.”

Grandpa sighed and shook his head sadly. “It’s not like it was when I was younger.” Read More