Category: Fairy Tales and Other Stories Remix

The Bake-off Winner

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The judging for the final round of the nation-wide bake-off was televised. People watched from around the nation as famous and not-so-famous bakers competed to earn a spot working in the royal kitchens. The announcers told heart-warming stories of struggle and toil about most of the contestants.

However, one of the contestants wore a long coat with a hood up in the hot, hot kitchens where everyone else had their sleeves rolled up to try to cool down. He had sunglasses and gloves and a bandana over half his face. The announcers knew his name and the high compliments the judges had given his work so far in the competition. No one knew anything else about him.

His final entry was a complex pastry that required precision in both the timing and a number of subtle temperature changes.   His work was masterful, almost as though he had some sort of magical control over the oven temperature. He easily triumphed over his distinguished peers.

The head of the judging committee eagerly called him to the podium to accept the trophy and the certificates and the other paraphernalia of victory. The audience roared in approval for Dr. A. Jones.   The head judge shook his hand and peered closely at what was visible of his face.

“Dr. Jones! What a green, scaly face you have!” The head judge said.

“It’s a skin condition. It’s not contagious, but it’s meant that I’ve had a difficult time in life,” Dr. Jones said. “Many people have been unkind.”

“Awww,” said the audience.

“That’s terrible,” the announcer said. “Isn’t it wonderful he was able to rise above all that and win the competition?” The audience roared.

“Dr. Jones, you have such an unnaturally deep voice,” The head judge said.

“I’ve often been told I should record audio books,” Dr. Jones said. “But alas my passion lies with baking instead.” The announcer and audience laughed.

“Are you a medical doctor?” The head judge asked.

“No, I have a doctorate in philosophy,” Dr. Jones said.

“Ah, of course,” the head judge said. “And what does the A. stand for?” The head judge asked.

“Alex,” Dr. Jones said.

“Just give the man his award already!” The announcer said. “He’s more than earned it.”   The audience roared again and stomped their feet and the head judge handed over the trophy and certificates and such.

“Thank you,” Dr. Jones said, waving at the audience. “This is a dream come true!”

“Awwww,” the audience said, and then they clapped and whistled and roared in approval once more. The other judges and contestants came over to congratulate the winner. The baking competition had been a remarkable success.

Dr. A. Jones began working at the palace a month later. He was quiet and good at his job, and the nation soon moved on to watching a gardening competition. The winner would be on the landscaping team at the royal holiday home. When a contestant was found smuggling in illegal fertilizers, the nation was horrified. The lovely young lady had been a favorite up until then, and many had sworn they could see flowers grow when she sang to them. Dr. Jones and the baking competition were completely forgotten.

A year later, the nation had reason to remember Dr. Jones. Somehow, in the year that he’d worked at the palace, he’d managed to steal the heart of Princess Gertrude. The two had run away together. Gertrude had left a defiant note, and somehow the two had managed to slip past security and fly away together into the night.

On a whole, the nation approved of the match. Dr. Jones clearly treasured her, and as the youngest princess, Gertrude wasn’t involved in the political arena. The King considered sending one of the knights to rescue the princess from her folly, but a scandal on the set of the competition for a substitute royal barber ended up needing his focus.

By the time the investigation was complete and the barberous spy prosecuted for bribery and theft, the king decided to let his daughter stay with the dragon who had stolen her away. After all, the competition for an assistant to the secondary royal launderer was underway.   He needed to keep an eye on that.
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The Three Pups and the Boar

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Once upon a time there were three wolf pups who had wandered from their den in search of adventure. “Mother says to always watch out for hiding places in case of danger,” the oldest said. “What do you think danger looks like?”

“I think danger is a deep river,” the middle pup said.

“I think danger looks like a swarm of bees,” The youngest pup said.

“I think danger is an angry skunk,” the oldest said.   The others laughed.

They continued to explore, watching out for bees and rivers and skunks. The youngest pup found a small cave. “Look!” He told his brothers. “We’d be safe here from danger. It’s dry and we could hide here.”

The middle pup snorted. “I’d climb a tall tree like this one here. Nothing could reach me if I climbed high enough.”

“If I was in danger, I’d run home to Mother,” the oldest pup said. “She’d keep me safe.”

“You’re a scaredy cat,” the middle wolf said.   “Only babies hide behind their moms.”

“I’m older than you,” the oldest pup said, and threw a pinecone at his brother.

“You’re only older by two minutes,” the middle pup said, and threw one back. It hit the youngest pup. Soon they had started a pinecone throwing war and had forgotten why they were fighting in the first place.

A pinecone thrown by the youngest went wide and clattered through the bushes. The older two started to laugh, until they heard an angry roar from the bushes.   “That’s not good,” the oldest pup said.

“To the cave!” The youngest said.

“To the tree!” The middle pup said.

“I’m finding mother,” the oldest pup said.   They scattered.

Moments later, an angry boar came tearing through the bushes. It paused and sniffed the air and then turned towards the cave and charged in. The youngest pup came darting out of the cave with the boar right behind him. The pup scampered up the tree and joined his brother.

“You’re safe now,” the middle pup said. “Boars can’t climb trees.”

“Haha, too slow old boar,” the youngest pup yelled.

The boar charged and rammed the tree with his head.   The tree shook. “Woah!” said the middle pup. “I’m slipping!”

The boar rammed the tree again. “If he does that again,” whispered the youngest pup, “I think I’m going to fall.”

“Me, too,” whispered the middle pup. He did and they did.

Fortunately, at that moment, mother wolf ran into the clearing, growling menacingly. The oldest pup followed close behind her. The younger two pups scampered around their mother to hide with him.

Mother wolf growled a deeper scarier growl. The boar ran. The pups cheered. They stopped when mother wolf turned to look at them. “Boys,” she said. “I thought you knew better than to wander off. What were you thinking?”

“We’re sorry,” they said together.

“I think you’ll all be staying close to the den for a while,” mother wolf said.

“Mom is amazing,” the youngest wolf said. “I bet she could fight off a swarm of bees.”

“Or rescue us from a deep river,” the middle wolf said.

“Or an angry skunk,” the oldest pup said.

“Or an angry boar,” mother wolf said. “Now hush and let’s go home.” And they did.

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The Story of Winter Square

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Once there was a lawyer named Winter Square. He was a very good lawyer and tried to be the fairest in all the land when mediating disputes. He had a great success rate for settling out of court.

One day, he had an appointment after lunch with a group of brothers. When they trooped into his office, the first thing that he noticed was that they were all very, very tall. And then he noticed that he didn’t have enough chairs. “How many of you are there?” he asked.

“Seven,” said the one with glasses.

“Four more chairs, please,” Winter said to his assistant.   Soon every one was seated. “Let’s start with introductions. I am Winter Square.”

The one with glasses stood up again. “I am Red, and these are my brothers Orange, Yellow, Green, Blue, Indigo, and Purple.” Each brother stood in turn and shook hands with Winter.

“I know they’re unusual names,” Green said.

“Mom really liked adjectives. She named her parakeets crazy things like Shy and Dozy and Grumpy,” Purple said.

“My name isn’t exactly normal, either,” Winter said.   The brothers laughed. “So, what’s the problem?” he asked.

“One day we came home from a busy day at our jewelry design business,” Red began.

“Here’s our card,” Yellow said. Red cleared his throat. “Sorry.”

“As I was saying, we got home, and there was a strange man in our house, washing our dishes,” Red said.

“That wasn’t the first time,” Green said.   “The first time he was sleeping on the couch.”

“No, he was cleaning the microwave,” Blue said.

“In any case,” Red said, “the man keeps coming back.   We changed our locks, but he came in anyway. When we called the police to take him away, we found out that he somehow got the charges dismissed and the officer let him go.”

“I see,” Winter Square said. “This is rather unusual. Does he do any damage? Is anything missing?”

“No,” Orange said.

“Has he said why he keeps coming back?” Winter asked.

“He said he’s hiding from his evil step-daughter who is home for the summer,” Red said.

“And why your house?” Winter asked.

“Our apartment was the first one he saw when he stepped out of the elevator,” Purple said. “He looks normal, really normal and boring, but I think he might be crazy.”

“Do you have a phone number or address where I can reach him?” Winter asked.

“We don’t even know his name,” Blue said.

“Well, the next time he comes, call me,” Winter said.

Three days later, Winter Square left his office to visit the apartment of the seven giants. The strange intruder was there. Winter had the paperwork for a restraining order in his briefcase, but hoped he wouldn’t have to use it.

The man was sitting at the table playing Solitaire.   “So what’s your name?” Winter asked.

He waited. “Gray,” the man finally said.

“So, Mr. Gray,” Winter said. “I’m sure you realize how unsettling it would be to find an uninvited stranger in your home. I understand that you don’t feel safe in your own home. Perhaps we can help you find some assistance.”

“My wife is a queen among women, but my step-daughter is evil. Would you let me stay if I pay rent?” Mr. Gray said. “I feel so safe snuggled into the giant furniture. It would only be on my days off during the summer.” His eyes looked wide behind his glasses.

Everyone looked at each other for a moment. “Well, if he paid rent,” Green said.

“He does help with the chores,” Orange said.

“I guess I’ve gotten used to him,” Purple said.

There was a pause. “Are we all agreed then?” Red asked. The brothers nodded.

“We’ll protect you from your evil step-daughter until you can return to live with your queenly wife and live happily ever after,” Indigo said.

“Until the step-daughter returns next summer,” Yellow said. Everyone looked at him. “Sorry.”

“Mr. Square, please help us write up a contract,” Red said.

A short time later, Winter Square left the apartment, agreement in hand. He had successfully mediated another conflict. He smiled at his reflection in the elevator door. “You’ve still got it,” he said.

“Winter Square, you are the fairest in all the land,” the reflection replied. Creepy. Winter Square decided to take the stairs.
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The Wisdom of Parker

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Parker heard his sisters yelling in the living room and decided to read at the kitchen table instead. They got angry quickly and calmed down just as quickly if left alone.   They’d gotten better as they got older, and now fights like this were rare.

In his book, Toad had just bought a car.   Parker knew this meant trouble and eagerly turned the page. Something landed on the table in front of him, shocking him out of the story.   Looking down, he saw an old Barbie doll grinning fiercely up at him. Creepy.

He looked up and leaned back a little. Harriet and Annette were glaring at him arms folded.   What now? He looked down again. The doll looked fine. “What’s wrong?” He asked.

“Annette says this Barbie used to be hers, but it was mine,” Harriet said.

“No, it was mine,” Annette said. She glared at Harriet. Harriet snorted.

“I don’t remember anything about your Barbies,” Parker said.

“Of course you don’t,” Harriet said. “You were still wearing diapers when we played with dolls.”

“Then I don’t see how I can help you,” Parker said.   “Have you asked Mom?”

“She says she doesn’t remember and we should learn to share,” Annette said. She flopped down on a chair across from Parker.

“Like that would work,” Harriet said. Annette laughed. Harriet sat down next to her.

“You could ask Dad,” Parker said.

“He’d take it away ‘cause we were fighting over it,” Harriet said. She bumped her shoulder into Annette’s and Annette smiled.

“That’s true.” Parker leaned forward. “And Amy?”

“She said she doesn’t care and Barbies are stupid,” Annette said.

“Like she wasn’t the one inventing those weird soap opera plots for her Barbies all the time,” Harriet said. She scowled.

“So…” Parker began.

“So we want you to help us decide who keeps it,” Harriet said and leaned back in her chair.

“Alright,” Parker said. “So, do you remember anything that can help me decide?”

“It’s not Harriet’s,” Annette said. “She used to cut the hair off of all her dolls.”

“Not all of them! And I stopped doing that.” Harriet sat up straight and began to glare again. “Besides, this one still has its original outfit. You were always dressing yours in weird scraps of cloth and old socks and stuff.”

Now Annette was glaring too. “That’s ridiculous. I changed them back, too.”

“Well,” Parker said. “We could take the head off. One of you could keep the head and play with the doll’s hair, and the other could keep the body and experiment with different outfits.”

Both sisters stared. After a long moment, Annette laughed. “That seems logical. I’ll let you keep the head, Harriet.”

Harriet laughed too. “What would I do with a Barbie head? You keep the whole thing, Annie. I’d hate to see it broken in pieces just ‘cause we can’t get along.”

“I don’t know,” Parker said. “It seems to me that Harriet cares the most about the doll’s well-being. Maybe she should be in charge of it.”

Annette sighed. “I guess so. That’s too bad. It was the last nice Barbie we had left.”

“Maybe we can learn to share,” Harriet said. She picked up the doll and held it out to Annette.

“Like that’s going to happen,” Annette said, but she smiled and took the doll. She straightened its clothes. “Well, okay, maybe we can try. Thanks, Harriet.”

The sisters stood to leave. “Thanks, Parker,” Harriet said.

“Yeah, good job,” Annette added. They left and Parker went back to his book with a smile.barbie-10-29

Vampires on Vacation

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When vampires go to the beach, they go at night.   They like it best when it’s cold and foggy or rainy. They cover up from head to toe in heavy clothes and wear death preservers filled with lead weights so they can walk on the bottom of the ocean. They bring blood in thermoses and sit around a pile of kelp that’s inside a ring of stones. They tell scary stories about kids around a campfire with long sharpened sticks.

When it’s time to go home, they don’t gather shells or bottles of sand. They know that there will be shells and sand the next time they come. Vampires live a long time. They like the beach because it is always there and doesn’t really change, even though it’s a little different every time they visit. The shells may be different shells, but there will be shells. There will be sand and rings of rocks and kelp and waves. There will be moonlight and stars too, if they aren’t lucky enough to catch a storm.

It may be a long time between visits. Vampires live a long time and there are many places for them to see. The beach will wait for them, it always does. And when they return, they will let the fish swim in their hair and look for new shipwrecks to explore. They’ll shiver at the idea of impulsive children with deadly pointy sticks coated in sugar or cooked meat and applaud the fantastic lightning shows. Then they’ll make sand castles and graveyards and churches with crypts. And then they will go home and leave the shells and sand and kelp and rocks for the next time they come.

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The Judgment of Parker

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It was a beautiful Saturday afternoon. Parker hummed a happy song as he raced out to check the mail. There was a package in the mailbox! Unfortunately, it wasn’t for him. It was addressed to his three older sisters.

When he came inside, all three sisters jumped up when they saw the package. Parker tossed it up in the air so that he didn’t get trampled. Amy caught it.

“Look, it’s for us from Grandma Helen,” she said.

“Well, open it,” Harriet said. She reached for the package. “You’re taking too long.

Amy scowled and hugged the package to her chest. “Back off.”

Annette sighed. “Just open it, Amy. Sit down, Harriet, or this will just take longer.”

Harriet sat, and Amy opened the package. “Look,” she said, “it’s a gold bracelet with a pretty apple charm.   It’s so cute!”

“But who does it belong to?” Harriet asked. She snatched away the packaging. “All three of us? How is that supposed to work?”

“I suppose we can take turns,” Annette said.

Amy laughed. “Like that would work.”

Parker giggled. His sisters had never been very good at sharing. The giggle had been a mistake. His sisters had forgotten he was there, but now they were all looking at him.

“Parker has no claim on the bracelet, and he’s always been pretty fair,” Annette said.

“Yeah, we should ask him who gets the bracelet,” Harriet said.

“Alright,” Amy said. “So who is it?”

“What?” Parker started backing up.   This was a terrible idea.

“Not so fast,” Harriet said. Her eyes narrowed. “Sit down now, Parker.”   Parker sat.

“Pick me,” Amy said. “I’ll make you the prettiest cake ever!”

“Don’t be silly. I’d drive you to school for a month, Parker,” Harriet said.

“I could drive you to the library and help you with your science fair project,” Annette said.

The sisters glared at each other. All at once, they turned and glared at Parker. Parker felt the back of his neck prickle in sudden dread.

“If you don’t pick me, I’ll put bugs in your lunch box and give you a funny hair cut,” Amy said.

“I’ll put ice in your bed and take away your nightlight,” Harriet said.

“I’ll tape mean signs to your back and hide your homework,” Annette said.

Parker couldn’t take it any more. This wasn’t fair. Why should he care about a stupid bracelet, anyways? He felt angry.

“I don’t think any of you should have it. Mom should have the bracelet. If it was Grandma Helen’s, it should have come to her first anyways.”   Then, before his sisters could react, he ran out of the room and hid behind the door. That usually worked when they were chasing him.

But this time, no one followed. “That’s not a bad idea. Mom will let me borrow it whenever I want, unlike you two,” he heard Amy say.

“Unless I ask her first,” Harriet said. “Let’s go tell mom and see she what she says. It’s like we’re starting all over, thanks to Parker.”

“No, I think he did a pretty good job this time,” Annette said.

“I guess so. Let’s go give mom her bracelet,” Harriet said.

Parker smiled. It sounded like they’d avoided having a war after all. He hurried down the hall and out the back door. It was time to play outside for a little while.

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