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Australia continues to suffer greatly under the reign of Sam the Terrible. The refugees who managed to flee the island nation give accounts of her reign of terror that leave the world horrified. No one is certain how she was able to seize power so quickly, but all will agree that her ascent to her golden throne was unexpected.

Less unexpected, the name Sam was completely wiped from baby name books within days of her coup. Both Samuel and Samantha joined the ranks of Ghengis or Adolf.   Requests for name changes arrived on desks of government officials around the world.

However, there were some that decided to risk keeping their now unpopular name. One of these is Samuel Bates, insurance agent. “My name was already unlucky, now it is doubly unlucky. It’s almost funny. Luckily, people don’t really care about their insurance agent’s name.   Most people don’t even notice. I usually just introduce myself as Mr. Bates anyways.”

It has been reported that in retaliation, Sam the Terrible recently changed the names of all her citizens to either Samantha or Samuel.   If this is true, it is difficult to imagine how that would work in daily life. Presumably, nicknames, middle names, and last names will be used for personal identification.

Psychologist Herbert Flaven said in a recent interview, “Sam the Terrible is attempting to further demonstrate her control over even the smallest detail of her subjects’ lives. By taking even their names, she is demonstrating that they have no personal control over anything that they once thought of as their own.”

Sam the Terrible’s spokesperson, Samuel Marks could neither confirm nor deny the reported name changes. However, as his name in his last report was Franklin Marks, it is difficult to avoid drawing the obvious conclusion. It has not been confirmed whether or not the name change affects all Australian citizens.

This is of course only the latest of the shocking reports since Sam the Terrible crowned herself “Queen of Everything” in the former Sydney Opera House now known as The Palace. After ordering all dissidents expelled from the country, her first decree was that all citizens were required to cut their hair short and dye it brown.

In addition to the more usual tyrannical decrees, Sam has also outlawed all forms of education and closed the public libraries. She reportedly oversaw basketball tournaments to determine hierarchy in her new government. Possession of green vegetables of any type results in immediate imprisonment. Just last week, she ordered that all teddy bears were to be thrown on a bonfire.

Professor Sarah Hintle of Harmack University says, “Looking at the major policies of Sam the Terrible’s government, it is clear that she has been planning this coup for a long time, possibly since her childhood.   I don’t understand why no one saw the warning signs before it was too late. Now whenever I see a little girl dressed up as a princess, I shiver. Perhaps one of these little girls is already making plans to be the next Queen of Everything.”

Experts say that determining Sam the Terrible’s next move is difficult. In light of Professor Hintle’s observations, perhaps they should ask a little girl what she would do if she were the so-called Queen of Everything. It may be that everyone will be required to wear pink or never brush their teeth. Maybe vaccinations will be outlawed.

In any case, even if Sam’s reign is short, it will take decades for Australia to recover. It may take even longer for the name Sam to recover its former place in society, if it ever does. Sam has achieved a place in history that few ever obtain. Her name will live on in infamy.

“How was work dear?” monster mother asked at dinnertime.

“I loved it! I am so lucky to have a job in customer service. So many customers called to complain and shout at me. It was easy to imagine them dying terrible deaths.   I left work in such a good mood,” monster father said. “How was your day?”

“The daycare kids tore through the house like little hurricanes. It was music to my ears. I sent them all home covered in finger-paint and crumbs.”

“Can I have more cardboard and old shoes?” the older monster child asked.

“Of course Jamie dear. Remember to chew with your mouth open,” monster mother said.

“Me too?” The younger monster child asked.

“You haven’t eaten the laces, Taylor,” Jamie said.

Taylor growled. “I was going to play with them before I ate them,” he said.

“That’s fine then. Perhaps just a little cardboard, dear,” the monster mother said. “Then it’s off to bed with you both. Taylor, do you need any help brushing your teeth?”

“Yes,” Taylor said. He finished eating and brought out his toothbrush and a bar of soap. “Make sure it lathers really well, mom. I like the bubbles,” Taylor said.

Jamie started running a cold bath. “Dad, can you bring me some ice cubes?” she asked.

“Of course,” the monster father said.

After cold baths, with their teeth nicely brushed, the children piled onto the couch. Their father read them a scary story about a tax collector. Their mom sang them a beautiful, frightening song about forgetting to turn off the lights when you go to bed.

It was early when the monster children went to bed, just like they liked it.   They were neatly tucked under their beds with their lights off and their curtains firmly shut. “Mom,” Jamie said, “do you think there might be a tickly spider under my bed tonight?”

“I hope so darling,” the monster mother said.

“Dad,” Taylor said, “Do you think we’ll have socks and lima beans at lunch tomorrow? It’s my favorite.”

“Mine too. I especially like it when the socks don’t match,” the monster father said.

“Me too. I hope we do,” Taylor said.

Finally the kids were in bed. Monster mother and monster father decided to spend some quality time together paying bills. “Look at this one dear,” monster mother said. “It’s for three and a half dollars. Shall I write a check?”

“Of course. But make sure to use yellow ink. It’s really hard to read. And try to make your handwriting extra messy,” monster father said. “We want them to continue to do business with us.”

“Here, this one is for over twenty dollars,” monster mother said, pulling out another bill. “Let’s pay it in pennies.”

Just then, they heard a shriek from upstairs. “I don’t think that was happy-scared,” monster father said. “It had the distinct tone of unhappy-scared. I’ll go see what’s wrong.”

“I’ll wait to count the pennies until you get back,” monster mother said.

Monster father went down the stairs to the basement.   Jamie was snoring loudly under her bed, the picture of a peaceful and happy monster child.

Taylor, however, was sitting up next to his bed looking sad. “Dad, I had a bad dream,” he said.

“Do you want to tell me about it?” The monster father asked.

“I dreamed there was a teddy bear on my bed,” Taylor said. “When I woke up, I didn’t see it, but I know it’s there.” He sniffled a little.

“If there is, I’m sure it’s a vampire teddy, and that’s why it’s invisible,” the monster father said.

“Oh. That’s okay then,” Taylor said. He snuggled in under his bed and started to snore.

“Back to the bills,” monster father said. He smiled. What a great day!